proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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