my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
