Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
