I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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