If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
