I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
