i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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