Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
