Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
