How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
