my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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