my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Come back. Shots need mouths.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
