Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
