This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
