He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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