There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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