look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
