'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
