dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
