guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
