my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
