I hate your face
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
