You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
