The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
