you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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