Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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