if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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