So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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