took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Vodka?
Forever.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
