We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
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You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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