How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
