this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
