i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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