News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
