Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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