I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
