please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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