I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
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in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
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He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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