Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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