You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
