i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
