Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize