please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
