i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
