Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
