soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
