just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
How's work?
Spinning.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
