I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
