allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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