i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
