i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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