I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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