I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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