i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
