I hate your face
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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