I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.