guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I smell like Dick and happiness
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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